Knight in shining armour? Don't kid yourself...

For a substantial part of my life - and I'm not that young - I have been the sort of man that avoided what I regarded as unnecessary conflicts. I practised monogamy, not because I saw a value in in, but because society and - more to the point - the woman I was fucking at any one time evidently saw a value in it. 

This was the source of a constant dilemma. Monogamy is a norm, and as such, is an expected behaviour. Alternative principles - promiscuity, polyamoury, hedonism - are taboo. You may think and reason that monogamy is for the birds, but if you act according to your own principle, someone's going to feel hurt and betrayed. The dilemma arises because knowingly hurting another person - even if you think it's for the greater good in the end - seems to go against another, equally strong principle. As the emotionally stronger party, is the issue at hand really important enough to warrant hurting the other person, as long as you can choose not to? For me, this reasoning always led to stalemate: In one sense, following my own sexual principle would be the braver, nobler option. In another, it could be seen as self-indulgence, favouring a principle - and a certain gratification - over empathy for the person one was potentially hurting. 

This latter principle, I've since realised, is about self-sacrifice, and is as bogus, misguided and monotheistic as the monogamy principle it supports. Treating others gently, humouring their illusions is all well and good, but losing oneself in the process does no one any favours in the long run. It just perpetuates the same bullshit, generation after generation. It keeps people erroneously equating fidelity with monogamy and using that to justify value judgements against any behaviour that even vaguely threatens the monogamous ideal.

By humouring the woman and her norms, I could be regarded as strong in one sense: I was behaving like a good Christian or Jew, even though I am neither! But in terms of modern principles like self-assertion, individualism and free will, I wasn't being the least bit strong. My excuse is that I was raised to do the former, by virtue of growing up in a western society, whilst the latter needs to be actively learned or chosen. Taboos are indoctrinated: free thought is not. Our culture is saturated with the notion that love (whatever that is) is for two and forever, and that any deviation from this ideal is a negative tendency.       

Let's drop the misguided gallantry. Treat her like an equal. Don't kid yourself you're a knight in shining armour when you're really a sap in a straightjacket. If it makes her a bitch to live with - and the chances are, it will - then leave for the sake of your sanity, if nothing else.